it's not easy (louie's heart edition)

all i can say is being a mom is totally and utterly heart wrenching sometimes. this was one of those days...





at louie's 2 month appointment his pediatrician heard a heart murmur and referred me to a cardiologist to have it checked out. they couldn't get me in for 10 days and of course i was worried sick waiting (i also made the rookie mistake of looking at the internet. why do i do that time and time again and when will i learn?) we took him in on wed. and it was one of the most stressful days of my life. they did a bunch of tests before the cardiologist even saw him and everything looked great, everyone was commenting on how chunky and healthy he looked and assured me he did not look like a baby with a heart problem. so i was feeling pretty good. when the time came for the doctor to come and asses him and listen to his heart she pretty much reiterated what everyone had said up until that point, even adding that he may not even need the echocardiogram. well, she took one listen and i could tell she was concerned, especially when she called a cardio med student in to listen to it. she basically told me that from listening to his heart she was pretty certain that he had a hole between the two bottom chambers of his heart. the tears started to flow. for all of us. the news was unexpected and scary. she told us nothing was certain until the echo but that she felt that is what was causing the murmur. the echo took 45 min. and baby louie did so good and was so patient, even smiling and then drifting off to sleep. we met with the doctor afterwards who informed us she was happy to be wrong, baby louie's heart is structurally perfect, free of any holes. he does however have pulmonary valve stenosis (a mild case) it is where the valves that take the blood from the heart to the lungs are not quite opening as large as they should so the heart has to do a little extra work to get the blood to the lungs, thus causing the murmur the doctors heard. good news compared to what we were looking at but still devastating to find out your baby has anything but a perfectly working heart.

but i am so grateful.

my boy is healthy and happy and wont even need to be seen again by the cardiologist for a whole year.

i'm telling you though, there is nothing in this whole world that compares to the worry a mother has for her sick (or potentially sick) child. it is torture.

i am humbled by this experience and am even more grateful to my father in heaven for the blessings in my life.

life is so good. even when it's really really hard.